Remembering those Moments when I Dreamt about You everytime

Thanks. Maybe that is why you were introduced to my life. Even though we do not know each other, but you woke me up somehow and gave me the courage. Maybe you helped me in all the wrong way, but because now everything turns out to be better than previously, so yes, I think you were in my life for a good reason.

Around October 2009, I got to know an (well, let's face it. it was the first point of attraction) extremely hot guy, who happened to do the same course as me, exist in this world. Employing my excellent stalking skills, I knew that guy's favorite songs, favorite movies, and I really thought we have a lot in common as we both love romantic music, reflective music, we are those not-so-typical-clingy-devoted-boy/girlfriend/spouses. and we take care of our studies well, and we are of the same age. (Please don't get scared by how much I had researched this guy, since I was really frustrated about how few decent guys were in the world at that time). Let's call him Eye Candy Guy.

Unfortunately, I was still in a (broken) relationship with someone, whom I was ever so blind about realising the non-existent potential of marriage, since we grew further and further apart due to numerous quarrels caused by my incessant jealousy and his repeated lies. and I grew more and more tired of it. Before you can judge me because I had a crush on someone while I was still officially another person's girlfriend, I did not make any advancement with the new guy. Just observing him from a distance while reflecting and cursing my unsuccessful relationship, seeing the greener grass on the other side of the fence. I felt tremendously guilty and just could not believe I can ever feel this way - so unfaithful, so against my own principles. I was always a loyal person close to the boundary of stupidity. I didn't keep any guy friend, I even fired a good male friend (well, we always have that kind of awkward closeness), because of my attachment to that boyfriend. Yes, the relationship was really unhealthy on my side, especially since my boyfriend still kept his female friends which was an emotionally draining fact to me. Okay, I do not want to go into the gory details about the relationship, since doing that will just open up an old wound.

But the point is, I was having a growing hole in my relationship, it was near breaking point, and yet, I was clinging to all the good memories we had in our honeymoon period in the relationship, secretly hoping we can experience them again. and I am the kind of girl "once you find someone, just settle with him, there is no need to find someone else". I was blind. but then Eye Candy Guy came and he just made me realise, there is really more than one guy in this world. (Duhh??! Ms Jones!) A guy who is more compatible, has more similar interests with you (just enough to make you two have some conversations going, for you two to understand each other's endeavours), lie less, care more, than your boyfriend, may exist in this world, and it is really pointless trying to put my relationship back together because it was broken beyond repair. You may say I gave up too easily, but, 2.5 years is not a short time and I already knew I could not ever accept my boyfriend's flaws since they were of fundamental essence. He could not accept me as well. We both knew it was not going to work, but we did still love each other that it was extremely difficult to decide where we wanted to go next. (It was a love/hate relationship really. I totally understand how it feels - you cant live without someone, yet it kills you living with that same person - it sucks completely because it was darn hard to make that stay or leave decision.). And Eye Candy Guy appeared and I made my call.

He appeared in my life as a friend's friend whom I never got introduced to. and I started to see that I need to stop trying too hard to glue up all the broken pieces of my relationship. Call me a quitter, but now, one year after the breakup, my ex already found a new girlfriend and, although I am still searching for Mr Right, I can say I have never been a happier person before. The breakup was a good call.

and yes, without the presence of Eye Candy Guy I might not be able to move to close that chapter of my life. Although it was another unsaid feeling (we are not even friends), that mere fling did open my eyes.

Thanks very much Eye Candy Guy. You were a tool that I wish will play a bigger part in my life. Thanks to all the hours I spent studying in the library while listening to songs that you love. Thanks for introducing me to The Script, Jayeslee, and just letting my soul be in touch with those nice, sweetheart, full-of-romantic-hope melodies. If the songs you listen to, and the quotes you favorited (I really love: "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love" by Emily Friehl, A Lot Like Love), really reflect on the kind of person you are in real life, how I really hope I can get to know you someday.

Thanks for making my heart skip a beat or two when I see you around university. Thanks for making me look forward to dull lectures. Thanks for showing up suddenly in the library when I was ever so tortured with exams preparation. Thanks for making me laugh my head off on my way out of the computer lab, when I passed by you talking to your friend and I realised how un-gentleman you sound (it was the moment when you, dressed in a knight suit on top of a white horse, fell from your horse to the ground. but it was really cute, I love it, and it did not drop you off the pedestal at all.)

More importantly, thanks for giving a hope to my tired heart.

Thanks for everything.

......

You must wonder why I suddenly write about an infatuation, about this forbidden love story, many months afterwards, right?
Well, I was looking for soulful songs to listen to while I am applying for jobs, and I remembered "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. It was one of the song favored by Eye Candy Guy, a song I was really hooked up into, and the song that, I think, somehow, described a situation I always want to be in with Eye Candy Guy. Listen to the lyrics and you will understand why :)

Well, now Eye Candy Guy is already in a different country working, but we are of the same nationality though, and we have a lot of common friends, so yea.. It is not impossible that one day...? but for now, he is very distant. But yeah, it is good to note it down here so I can let go of my unsaid feeling.

*Dear Eye Candy Guy, I hope one day if you "wake up and find that you're missing me/and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be/Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet/And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street". Come and find me. I am still here waiting.*

The Man Who Can't Be Moved
by The Script


Going Back to the corner 
where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag 
I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, 
got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl 
can you tell her where I am"

Some try to hand me money, 
they don't understand
I'm not broke, I'm just 
a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense 
but what else can I do?
How can I move on 
when I'm still in love with you?

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says "son you can't stay here"
I said, "there's someone I'm waiting for 
If it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if 
it rains or snows
If she changes her mind 
this is the first place she will go

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
ohhh..
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world
ohhh..

Maybe i'll get famous 
as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to 
but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
cuase you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving
I'm not moving, I'm not moving (x2)

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move


<3

For Barney Stinson, and for us. For the loves we keep within. For the loves we wish we are able to say out.

I bet everyone of us has ever felt this. Liking someone so perfect, liking someone, someone who is out of your league. someone so "funny, smart, beautiful you are so scared to love because you are afraid of the pitfalls that may await you". Well, I just got a perfect song for you. This song explains the feeling Barney Stinson has for Robin Scherbatsky in hit sitcom How I Met Your Mother. To cut long story short, he is a player, he sleeps with every woman he lays his eyes on and has countless one night stands literally. She is, well, funny smart beautiful, and never in the world a girl like her in her right mind would hook up with "someone who is always able to separate sex and emotions" like Barney. Well, turns out the playful narcissist has the ability to fall in love and he develops a soft spot for Robin. 


There were, sadly, many countless attempts for him to confess, where the girl just passed them confessions off as jokes, or misunderstood them, because they were too unbelievable indeed. This is a song expressing Barney's hidden emotion, the one he always wishes to express to Robin (in the end he did though, but the love story that followed did not end well). The one a lot of us always wished to express to someone special, but at times, couldnt, because our feelings were weird, unbelievable, unreal, the not-supposed-to-be-felt emotions. This is a song for Barney, and for a lot of us.


No More Wishing
by Hayley Taylor


wake up, I'm trying to show you
I wanna come clean
you mean more than you should mean
but I'm willing to be

the one that you put on a pedestal
the one that you see in your dreams
the one that you hide your true self from
the one you want to please


and I know that it's wrong to want something
so false and so fake
it's not that I want to fix you
I just want to get my way

cause you're the one that I put on a pedestal
the one who keeps coming back to me
the one that I gave my whole heart to
the one who makes me believe

I want a love that's side by side
I want a love that holds me tight
I want a love that feels like a dream
but when I wake up, he's still there with me

so put me up on a pedestal
give me everything I need
but give it to me so completely
that there will be no more wishing
no more wishing
no more wishing
no more wishing 


link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcphR5Ctrcw I do not own any song. Credits for song and lyrics go to Hayley Taylor, the producer and the music company associated.

SIGNS. SIGH.

Have you ever wondered how good it will be if there is a universal dictionary on how to interpret various sign and body languages your family, friends, relatives or potential dates looming in the corner of the club give you?

I mean, yes we should not read too much into the lines, but sometimes, there are signs, yes.

For instance;

what will you think when someone stand awkwardly next to you in a club, saying nothing but just blankly staring through the moving crowd for a couple of minutes? Like, you two are stoning together after a long night. Just the two of you. Does it give you a strange vibe of "Ok, I want to talk to you but I'm kinda nervous and unsure what topic and how to start the conversation...mmmm give me some more time to figure it out please"

OR

when someone keeps liking your status updates, keeps commenting on same posts I have just commented, what are you trying to do? and why now not anymore? please, you are a good, good guy, I do not want to lose the friendship because of some silly reasons. and you have that boyish charm with a golden heart :) a true gem!

OR

when you asked a very - tremendously very - personal, crucial question about your health to someone, and he did not even bother to follow up? Why why why? Ok, the question may be about a super duper uncomfortable, highly personal issue, but I think as a professional in your field, it is almost expected already to ask for follow up. You know, for politeness sake. I guess I can almost hear him saying "I'm not interested in you for even the slightest bit - thus I do not even bother to pretend I care for the slightest bit. Go away, freak away from my life. Don't disturb me anymore." Well, crude as it is, if that is the right message, thanks so much. It so helped me to get over you. I mean, why waste time trying to attract the attention of someone who does not even care, right?

Receiving mixed signals, by the way, is the worst possible scenario. What will you think about these "signs?":

When someone said something like, "Gorgeous girls coming! Anyone my age?" okay, our age difference is not the most common one in friendships around the world, but seriously, why say that? Are you anticipating anything?

and 

When you commented on his status, and he did not reply anything. but he reply to other people's comments..

and

not taking a photo with you at all during a party even though he brought a camera and was taking photo with everyone, not initiating any conversation, only conversing by answering unimportant, irrelevant questions asked by you, with his nervous sweat breaking... all even though you are working in a same project. and goodness, am I really that scary...

but then...

When you almost left the party, and you were hugging a friend to say goodbye, and he said: "Hey, why he receive that kind of goodbye" and then you said "Ok, you want one, I can give you one (hug too)" and then he said "Too late already". Why are you trying to do by saying those things? Do you desire a hug from me or not?

and now..

when he already not being open or friendly to you by doing those things, suddenly when there was nobody else around, he started talking to you, asking about stuffs, and then we started to talk about things. and he started to comment on your status with funny emoticons. OMGRUTNESS why the hell are you doing this again? 

Of course, there are times when there are no signals at all. 

I miss you. Please come here. 

Maybe you should come here.

Come hereeeee.

Have you ever considered that I am a good candidate too?

O.O

Really appreciate the bravado and straightforwardness though. It requires great courage from his side, and much less effort guessing from my side - e.g. trying to find meanings to short remarks, casual hi and byes, long she-wont-see-me-looking-at-her-cause-im-at-her-blindspot stares, weird body language etc2. It was a nice, neat I-think-you-are-awesome-btw-I-am-awesome-too-lets-become-closer-friends sentences. Some may think it is less gentlemenly, childish, but to the extent that I am receiving mixed signals, I guess a straight-to-the-point statements are still better.

So, those were some complicated signs I have received. Well, they may not be a sign at all, and maybe I am just overanalyzing things here, but IF they were indeed signals.. what were yours then? :) 

you always want what you cant have

Welcome to my blog!!! This will be a blog about things unsaid, the fabulous actions that I always want to do but too shy, the feelings that I have but never dared to articulate. This blog will be a sad one about the not-happenings. So if you are of a faint-hearted soul, better go somewhere else now.

Anyway introduction is done so lets get started.

Humans tend to always want things they cant have - whether its neighbour's car, classmate's lunch, friend's job.. someone else whose heart is definitely not yours.

Isnt it obvious at times that he is not interested in you? Isnt it clear at times that he is attracted to your close friend instead - the ladylike one, the softer, the weaker one, the pretty one, the popular one. Then why are you still holding on to various things - stalking him on fb, wishing he will look your way one day in the club, or the class.. he may, and you may think you are on cloud nine and your dreams are coming true, but it all happens just because he needs to look your way to find his friend.

and, despite many turn-aways, you are still saying: "probably he is just tired today." tired is the easiest, fastest way to end a potential conversation with someone you dont want to talk to.

Is it because you have not met someone so awesome for sometime? that you have not find someone so gentle, caring, physically attractive, smart  - that you just simply cannot let go until probably he tell you directly in your face he is not interested. Then only you will regret your actions and curse that day in your life forever.

But sometimes, after all these words said by the brain, the heart still yearn: lets try again. lets be optimistic. arent we all taught to be optimistic all the time? being positive is good isnt it?

and yes, I find it so hard to stop especially when I saw his face again.

Sometimes, you just want what you cant have, dont you?